Weekly Smile

Old Age

Three sisters ages 92 (Peggy), 94 (Jeanie) and 96 (Betty) live in a house together.

One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses.

She yells to the other sisters, "Was I gettin' in or out of the bath?"

The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see."

She starts up the stairs and pauses. "Was I going up the stairs or down?"

The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea, listening to her sisters.

She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." She knocks on wood for good measure.

She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

Holy Land

A guy goes on vacation to the Holy Land with his wife and mother-in-law. The mother-in-law dies. They go to an undertaker who explains that they can ship the body home but that it'll cost over $5000, where as they can bury her in the Holy Land for only $150. The guy says, "We'll ship her home." The undertaker asks, "Are you sure? That's an awfully big expense and we can do a very nice burial here." The guy says, "Look, 2000 years ago they buried a Man here and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

Have You Ever Wondered?

1. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

2. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow deer-crossing sign?

3. How is it possible to have a civil war?

4. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

5. Atheism is a non-profit organization.

6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose. Also, how can there be self-help groups?

7. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?

8. Is there another word for synonym?

9. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

10. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

11. Why do you drive on a Parkway and park on a Driveway?

12. Why is it when we ship something by truck we call it a shipment, but if we send it by ship it's called cargo?

13. Why do psychics have to ask for your name?

14. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

15. If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?

Hillbilly Medical Terms

Artery...........The study of paintings.	Hangnail..........What you hang your coat on.
Benign .........What you be after you be eight.	Labor Pain.......Getting hurt at work.
Bacteria........Back door to cafeteria.	Node.................I knew it.
Cat scan........Searching for Kitty.	Outpatient........A patient who has fainted.
Coma.............A punctuation mark.	Rectum.............Darn near killed him.
D&C.............Where Washington is.	Tumor...............More than one.
Dilate............To live long.	Urine.................Opposite of you're out.
Fester............Quicker than someone else.	Varicose............Near by.

Moods

My husband, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.

When I'm in a good mood it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big red mark on his forehead.

Maybe he will buy me a diamond ring next time.

Easter Sunday Sermon

One Easter Sunday morning, as the minister was preaching the children's sermon, he reached into his bag of props and pulled

out an egg. He pointed at the egg and asked the children, "What's in here?"

"I know!" a little boy exclaimed. "Pantyhose!"

Things God Won't Ask

God won't ask what kind of car you drove,

He'll ask how many people you drove who didn't have transportation.

God won't ask the square footage of your house,

He'll ask how many people you welcomed into your home.

God won't ask about the clothes your had in your closet,

He'll ask how many you helped to clothe.

God won't ask what your highest salary was,

He'll ask if you compromised your character to obtain it.

God won't ask what your job title was,

He'll ask if you performed your job to the best of your ability.

God won't ask how many friends you had,

He'll ask how many people to whom you were a friend.

God won't ask in what neighborhood you lived,

He'll ask how you treated your neighbors.

God won't ask about the color of your skin,

He'll ask about the content of your character.

God won't ask why it took you so long to seek Salvation,

He'll take you to your mansion in Heaven, not the gates of Hell.